At some point I thought that, as I got older, I’d come to terms with a lot of things. I’d solve some big problems, and eventually I’d become content. It’s almost more depressing to think that the older you get, the more your problems multiply. When I’m old, I’d like to wake up in the morning and not really do anything—just be happy to exist. I’d like to look at my accomplishments and sit back and revel in my own achievement. But I don’t think that’ll ever happen. It’s the end of the road. You end up with a series of failed relationships and you end up being an alcoholic and in your late 30s, and not having any kind of real grip on the lives of the people around you. That’s the potential other end of the spectrum when you’re never tied to anybody or anything. I run the risk of losing touch with the people in my life that mean the most to me because I have made the decision to live like this. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be successful and critically acclaimed by everybody who likes the cool things you like. There’s a darkness inside of me that I’m only now starting to come to grips with and accept. And it’s starting to scare me. One day you will all wake up and realize that im sorry.

1/18/2009

Tommy, you left behind something that will mean everything right before you die.What if you gained the whole world? You've already lost four little souls from your life. Widows and orphans aren't hard to find.They're home missing daddy who's saving the abandoned tonight.Wish your drinking would hurry and kill you. Sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth.

You underestimate how much you matter, and maybe you should see that for your self

foundation

I'm not sure I like the notion of me talking about my life on the internet for any person to see, and judge me for what I have to say. And lately that has been my difficulty, letting others accept me as I am. so I will remain modest with my feelings in a WWW blog, maybe one day, we will all find that one person, that we can tell anything to, and not seem transparent to the entire world, even if it's just one person that see's us.

My mind is all over that map. my concerns include sacrifice, in order to live you have to sacrifice living. I own nothing, and nothing owns me, so why am I so anxious? The belief that I will lose everything I am involved in now, due to a mistake, or misunderstanding, much like my previous lifes. I do not like dwelling on the past... There seems to be no definition that could be stamped on my soul, I can not be branded like cattle, thus I seem to find no obvious answers. All the logical ones exist in text, but I'm looking underneath all the unturned stones, and all I see is moist dirt. perhaps this is adult hood, self reliance and sacrifice.